Shelter For The Pain
by KaydenceRei
Summary: “I can never atone for driving my mother to be a drunk,” Olivia stated dryly. “I couldn't end her pain. She had to get drunk just to feel less vulnerable, and it was my fault because I was always their to remind her of a horrible experience.”


**Disclaimer**: So not mine. But I'll keep dreaming about it.

**Author's Note**: Okay. I don't quite think this has been done before. And I'm a little iffy about it still because all the content is mine, aside from the characters.

**Poem's Author**: Kaydence-Rei Lemothe

**Shelter For the Pain**:

Olivia sat at her desk in the precinct. The job was too much for her. She couldn't deal with things like she used to deal with them. She couldn't hold everything inside and still be the tough woman that everyone was so used to seeing. She needed stability. She needed normality. She needed a life.

All her mind seemed to do now though was think thoughts that she had never before even considered. Her mind kept coming up with the idea to just end all her problems. Every problem ends with death. But would hers?

Life was so complicated. The problems were never solved. Every day there would always be another victim. Just another victim to add to the tally for the Special Victims Unit. Another woman who made her feel horrible about how she had come into this world.

She released a deep breath as her hands gripped the edge of her desk. She stared down at her desk with a blank look. Life was too hard. Why couldn't life just be simple? It was her own fault. She'd been born a horrible person. She'd been born a child of rape and she made her mom's life hell. She was a reminder of all things horrible in the world. Or at least she believed herself to be that.

_I want somebody who can keep me safe,  
Because my mind keeps playing tricks on me.  
I can't give up, I've gotten lost within the nightmares,  
Please just make it end, and untangle me from this web of defeat._

Her hand moved over her forehead as she took a deep breath. She felt so short of life at the moment. Like she was going to run out of oxygen if she stayed at her desk any longer.

She stood up silently. Believing it was completely unknown to the others that she was even there at the moment. Quietly she made her way to the stairs and went up to the roof. Why did the choice to give up her job have to be so hard? Why did she have to feel such an overwhelming debt to each and every victim that walked through the doors of the precinct?

Over and over again she sold just a small piece of herself to get her job done. She'd throw herself at every case that came her way. But why?

The answer was obvious to her.

She felt as though she owed each victim the world because of who she was. Because she was a product of rape.

Her hands gripped heavily on the concrete siding of the rooftop. It was taking more effort then she would have liked not to simply scream and get it all out of her system. She bit down lightly on her lower lip before sucking in a deep breath and then releasing it a moment later.

After another moment she felt the first drop of rain fall on her face. And she ran her fingers lightly through her hair.

_Sometimes I just need a shelter during the rain,  
It's like I'm being haunted whenever I'm dreaming.  
I need a place to drown out all of my pain,  
I'm feeling lost and I can't stop screaming._

Brown eyes searched the ground below the roof of the precinct. She couldn't help but to think how easy it could all just be if she just let go. If she just dropped. To soar for just that one short moment and then be free of all pain.

"Why can't the choice be easy?" she whispered to herself as she leaned her elbows on the concrete siding and put her head in her hands.

She was completely ignorant of the fact that she was being watched from the door that led to the stairwell. She hadn't thought of the fact that she might have been followed up here.

Suddenly she heard the voice though.

"Olivia?"

She nearly jumped right then and there. She hadn't expected to be followed. Let alone to be followed by the one man she would always hold in her heart but never be able to have.

Olivia turned slowly and took a glance at the concerned eyes of her partner. She remained silent and so did he as they caught each other's eyes. Hers filled with pain, confusion and hopelessness. His filled with concern, confusion, and possibly something else that she couldn't quite make out.

_I wish I could give it all up today,  
Cause I know deep down that we could never be.  
But that doesn't mean that I can end it so easily,  
Eventually the voices will go away on their own._

"Are you okay?" Elliot asked her after a few moments of awkward silence.

That happened a lot between them. An unsettling silence seemed to worm its way between them whenever one was showing concern for the other. She supposed she should have taken that as the first hint that she wasn't the only one have troubles dealing with everything. But if Elliot didn't understand it, then why should she?

Elliot felt a sudden rotten feeling in the pit of his stomach as he moved closer to Olivia. For once he could truly see how unhappy she really was with her life. For once she had her barrier down. And she looked like she'd rather be in hell then to deal with whatever was troubling her at the moment.

"Olivia.."

Olivia sighed and turned back around to face the sitting. Her eyes cast another downward glance to the ground as Elliot finally found his place beside her. "Do you ever think about it?" she asked quietly.

Elliot, of course, knew full well what Olivia meant by the pained and thoughtless look on her face. She was asking if he'd ever thought about ending everything. "Truthfully?" he questioned in return.

She merely nodded her head in response.

"A few times."

Olivia didn't seem at all surprised. "It's like no matter what I do, nothing changes the facts," she said to him as she stared downwards.

Elliot had been looking down as well. But now his icy eyes cast a sideways glance in Olivia's direction. "Changes what facts?"

"The fact that I'll never be able to atone," she replied quietly.

Elliot stared at her. He honestly hoped she wasn't talking about what he thought she was. How could she consider something so complicated as her mother being raped as her own fault, simply because she was the outcome of it all?

"I can never atone for driving my mother to be a drunk," Olivia stated dryly. "I couldn't end her pain. She had to get drunk just to feel less vulnerable, and it was my fault because I was always their to remind her of a horrible experience. I was always there Elliot.. and because of me, she got drunk that day at the bar and died. It was all because of me."

Elliot stared at Olivia, finally pulling her to him and wrapping his arms around her and holding her to him. He'd seen the tears that had begun mixing with the raindrops. She never deserved to have a life like this. To have such horrible thoughts about herself.

_I can't stop the voices, I can't end the pain.  
I can't wash away that dirty feeling, it's so hard to explain.  
I can't turn away from such a gruesome past.  
It's so unforgiving that the beginning brings tears to my eyes._

"You have nothing, and Olivia, I mean _nothing_, to atone for," Elliot whispered into his partner's ear as he held her tightly against him.

Olivia shook her head as she made an attempt to pull away from Elliot. But he wasn't letting go. And she just wanted to end everything at this point. "Let go," she whispered.

Elliot sighed, "No."

"Damn it Elliot, let me go."

Elliot again refused.

Olivia felt a new rush of tears make their way down her face as she began a sudden pounding on Elliot's chest with her fists. "Let me go. Please Elliot, I can't take it anymore," she cried out.

Elliot could almost feel the tears welling up in his own eyes at how much Olivia wanted to end the pain that was called her life. He didn't care how hard she used him as a punching bag though. He would never let her go. "Olivia.."

"Just let go!" she cried out, her hands still pounding against him. She bit down hard on her lower lip before she just fell to the ground with Elliot still holding onto her. She lessened the struggle, and stopped hitting as she sat in his arms with the tears still flowing.

_So sometimes I just need a shelter during the rain,  
It's like I'm being haunted whenever I'm dreaming.  
I need a place to drown out all of my pain,  
I'm feeling lost and I can't stop screaming._

"Why won't you just let go?" Olivia asked quietly.

Elliot watched as she got a suddenly defeated expression on her face. She'd realized he wasn't going to let her do something like she wanted to, now she just wanted an explanation for why.

He sighed. "Because you're my better half Olivia," he told her. "You make me who I am, and you keep my stronger then I've ever been in my life. If I didn't have you, I'd be nobody. You're my best friend Olivia, and I luh--" he'd started saying. He took a short breath for courage and repeated it. "And I love you.."

Olivia's eyes widened almost immediately at the last three words Elliot said to her. Sure, all of what he said had come as a surprise to her. But those were words that she had never expected to hear from anybody in her life. "You.. you what?"

"I love you.." Elliot stated once more.

Olivia let her tongue roll over her lips slightly. "But how.. why?"

Elliot stared at Olivia as though she'd lost her mind. "What do you mean how and why?" he asked. "You're the most amazing person in this world Olivia. You do thinks that people would only expect from heroes in movies. But you know what Olivia? You are a hero. You're better then some movie screen hero. Because you're real. You help real people. And you've saved not only everyone else, but me as well."

Olivia stared into Elliot's eyes, looking for some sign of dishonesty in his statement to her. But she found nothing. Nothing except the truth.

After a few more seconds she brought her lips to Elliot's in a small yet loving kiss. Nothing too outrageous, but nothing to careless and simple.

"Let's get you home Olivia.." Elliot said quietly as he helped her to her feet. He'd just started walking towards the stairwell with her when she stopped with her hand on his arm. "What is it?"

She seemed almost embarrassed at the moment. "I just.. just wanted to tell you," she started quietly. "That I love you too.."

Elliot smiled at her and this time pulled her to him for another kiss.

Maybe.. just maybe.. she'd found her shelter for the pain in Elliot.

_Finis._

&&&&&&&&&

**Okay. It was a little on the dark side up until the end their. But for anyone who's ever gone through stages of depression, they can be very dark. Sometimes even worse then this. But you always need to know that there is always someone who cares, even if you don't think there is.**

**Some of these facts came from some of my own thoughts about my life. I've gone through depression, and it's not an easy time in your life to get through. But with someone to help you, you can get through it. Talk about things when you feel like life is getting too unjust for you. There's always someone that's willing to help you. Even me.**

**-Kay**


End file.
